I have realized that the baby blues has become a tough battle for me. I burst into tears for no good reason at any time of the day. I can't bring myself out of bed earlier than 11 or 12 o'clock. I have absolutely no appetite and have to force myself to eat something knowing very well that Elijah needs me to eat. I even tried setting little goals for myself each day, like today I'm going to fill out the paperwork for Elijah's insurance and even this small task has been a burden. I am just thankful that I do not have another child right now to take care of. The physical and emotional aspects of having a baby have just been tremendous for me right now. Last night I felt really sick...looking back I wonder if it was a panic attack. I just started sweating and felt like I had a fever, my head started throbbing and I felt awful. I just started crying and then it felt like I couldn't breathe. Jake had to take me home from his parent's house and leave me at home from church. This morning when I got up I didn't feel much better. I am very thankful for Jake's mom. She is very willing to help out and helped me finish my laundry (since the washer is still broken). She dropped it by today and brought me a cherry lime aid from Sonic. It made me feel a little better. Like I said before, the only things that really seem to make me feel better are taking care of Elijah and posting about what's been going on around here. I feel bad because I feel really jealous when other people hold Elijah. It doesn't really bother me when Jake does but other people are different...family members or not. It makes me feel awful because I don't want to feel like that...I want people to be able to share in the joy of my baby...but it's my baby and right now I'm being very selfish. I can now sympathize with some of the mom's in the NICU. How awful they must feel that they can't do much for their baby except maybe hold their hand or take their temperature. What a horrible feeling. I just feel like he's growing so fast and the time I can spend with him is so short. Who came up with 12 weeks for staying home with a newborn. Maybe I should go to Canada..I read somewhere they get 26 weeks. Anyway. I don't want this post to be whiny and gloomy..just stating how I feel today. I did get a couple of cute pictures of my little guy in a cute little onesie with a doggy on the but and his little booties that just barely fit him.
2 comments:
Hey,
You're not alone with the depression thing, I've struggled with it off and on for about 5 years or so. Don't know if postpartum is the same, but it's an awful feeling...I know I feel really helpless sometimes! Pray a lot, that has helped me immensely! It's also a beautiful thing to have a partner who loves and cares for you so much that they are patient while you work through it :) Matt's been such a blessing in this aspect (among many others)! Glad to see Elijah doing well and getting BIG!!! Love you guys lots! Connie
I am praying for you!! I know the baby blues/depression can be like a heavy blanket just drowning out the good in your life. I remember actually dreading the sun coming up, since it meant another day that I wasn't ready to face. It also throws you for a loop spiritually, since you wonder how you can be right with God and feel this way?! (Until I started researching just how many truly great men of the Bible were plagued with depression!!) This, too, shall pass. Hang in there, and remember to ASK FOR HELP. We're praying for you!
Post a Comment