Having the mind of a crazy person

My little man is just so serious. Don't get me wrong, he smiles and gives us laughs that come straight from his toes but I frequently find an inquisitive look on his face. I often wonder if he can sense my sadness and clings to me knowing that he is a source of comfort. These past few days have been somewhat of a nightmare for me. I almost hesitate to say that because I am afraid of how everyone will take it but that's the only way that I can explain my feelings. On Thursday night I had to work and had a kiddo that was extremely sick and ended up passing away on Friday. It wasn't hard work physically...pretty much we were just providing comfort care. Emotionally it was a little different. I felt very detached. A coping mechanism I'm sure. It was just something that I could not bear to handle at this time. I didn't get anything ready for his passing...no blanket and outfit...no pictures. I was utterly useless in this aspect and feel like I was a little lazy. Emotionally I felt like a dark cloud filled with rain just waiting to downpour...much like it actually did that night outside. Jake had called me because Elijah was beside himself and wouldn't stop crying unless Jake stood with him and bounced him up and down. Of course Jake was exhausted because he had worked that day and needed to go to work on Friday too. It made me feel terrible because there was nothing I could do. I don't understand why he won't go to sleep for Jake the way he will for me. Jake didn't get to sleep until about 1am and then he didn't sleep well because he felt he would awake again at any moment. I worried about them all night long. I felt myself completely detaching myself from my work. I did what was necessary to take care of my patient but I would often find myself spacing out. It was probably a good thing that I ended up being canceled on Friday because they had too many people working. I am not sure how I would have felt. I ended up going with our youth group to Amazing Jake's to eat and play putt-putt. It was a good time for the teens. I wish I could say that I had an "Amazing" time but I found myself staring at other people's babies and longing for mine to be with us (we left him with Jake's mom). I just felt really weird and out of place. At one point I stopped and felt like I was in some kind of movie where you're the only person that's stopped in slow motion and everyone whirls around you and you suddenly realize "what's wrong with this picture?" What's wrong with my life? Why can't I be happy? My mood is effecting Jake and that bothers me. He feels like he's to blame and that's just not the case. I know when I was pregnant I went through phases where I just wanted my old body back. Now I've got it (for the most part) and I would give anything to spring out of the crazy mind that came with it. I thought all of these feelings were going away and now they seem like they are coming back ten fold. It's really hard for me to deal with everything right now. I feel bad because everyone has been so supportive of me. They all want to help but just don't know how. The sad part is I don't know either. All I can say is keep me in your prayers and don't have high expectations of me. I've long ago realized that my focus is so narrow that it's either a clean house or food on the table...and sometimes it's not very good food at that. I think work has pushed me over the edge and I'm now an exhausted basket case. I know there has to be light at the end of the tunnel but the question now is how long is the tunnel?

Memory Lane

I thought I'd take a trip down memory lane and post a picture taken almost 14 weeks ago...just 5 days before Elijah was born. He will be 13 weeks old tomorrow. He's getting so big! He's 15 pound and 26 inches. He loves to play with toys now but loves to play with Mommy and Daddy even more. He's still getting the hang of sleeping through the night since our trip back but for the past 4 days he's been going to sleep at 8 or 9 and waking at 4 or 5. I may try the crib thing this weekend since I'll be home Sat-Monday. It's back to work again for me tonight and tomorrow so I thought I'd make sure to post today. Hopefully I start to feel a little more at ease and not so lost. I best be going to get ready and make dinner. Keep us in your prayers!

After Work Update

Friday was my first day back to work. Yuck. I don't know who it was harder on...Jake or me. When I went to tell Elijah goodbye he gave me his pouty lip and started wailing! He didn't stop crying for a long time (45 minutes maybe..I wasn't there, Jake called me). Of course that upset me because he rarely cries let alone for that long. I found it difficult too because I haven't stayed up all night long for 13 weeks! Plus our new unit opened and we went to computer charting about 2 weeks before I went off on leave. A lot of new things to get used to. On Saturday and Sunday I was high risk so I had to go on deliveries. I brought the most kids up to the unit that I ever had. One of the deliveries was not very good either because the kiddo came out very stressed and needed some resuscitation. I was praying it didn't turn into something where we needed our code cart. It's been too long since I've had to do that..thank God. Everything worked out in the end...although getting to eat lunch took a backburner to going to pump. Jake survived it all too. A little sleep deprived but he survived. Of course on Saturday night Elijah woke up at 2am to eat and then he wanted to play...figures he'd do something off the wall when Daddy had him. He wanted to break him in early I guess. Overall I still want to be able to stay home with Elijah but with God's grace I can do the working thing while the family needs me to. I miss him bunches though. I have to hold him tight and breathe him in when I get home. I know others can take care of him but he's just so little and I think he needs his momma. I need him too.
Well, I guess that's all for now. I have a lot to catch up on.
The picture is of my friend, Charity and her son Asher, and Elijah and I. Asher is 2 months older than Elijah and is a big cutie pie! It was great to be able to see them when we were in MI. Too bad we weren't closer b/c they would be great playmates!

Getting Back to Normal

It has taken a bit to get things back to normal. It seems like the first few days after a long trip are spent running around like a crazy person. Laundry, grocery shopping, unpacking, cleaning up...all take precedence over taking a vacation from your vacation. On top of all that Elijah really didn't know what was going on with the time. The time change messed him up a bit. It didn't take long for him to change from AZ time to MI time. He figured it was starting to get dark...time to go to bed (even though it was only 5pm here in AZ). Unfortunately when we got back he felt he should go to bed about 6-7 pm...meaning he then started waking up at 2am. Yeah, not so cool. He's also nursing a lot more than before...every 2-3 hours. He used to go 3-4. That 4 hour stretch was nice b/c it was his afternoon nap time. I could get some stuff done. Now, not so much. Thankfully last night he slept until 5. He woke up again at 7 and unfortunately I had a terrible headache and was nauseous. Icky. I took some medicine and thankfully it went away. I didn't want to spend my last day of maternity leave sick with a migraine...just what I need, right? Sigh...End of maternity leave..back to work tomorrow. No more 24/7 with my two sweetie pies. No more getting dinner done whenever it gets done. No more putting off of things a little later because I have the time. Silly but no more nicely manicured long fingernails. Say hello to rushing around to get dinner on the table so I can eat before I leave for work. Back to a schedule. Double sigh. I have had a lot of trouble dealing with this and as a result Elijah is still not in his crib. I had plans of doing it this week but with the whole time change thing it kind of changed things. Plus I put him in it on Tuesday and he quickly woke up crying. I think he was scared. I held him while we watched a movie...and ended up bawling at the thought of putting him in it again. The past few days have been sad days that I find myself holding him a little longer and a little tighter. I am not quite myself again and have found that a lot of those things I said needed to be done earlier in the posting have taken me a lot longer to get done. I just don't know where to begin and am feeling a little bit lost. I think the thing that gets to me the most is watching his sweet little face while he is asleep. I just can't think of myself leaving it. I also don't want to leave Jake as well. I have become all too familiar with eating a more relaxed dinner, lounging around, and snuggling at night next to him. I am really hoping that the Lord will work out a way that I can go to part time so I can be home more and enjoy being a wife and mother...and maybe work on having some more little ones to be playmates with Elijah. God knows the desire of my heart and I truly believe that it's a Biblical desire and one that He would bless.
The picture is of Elijah with his hands. We find him intertwining them and sucking on them (and his thumb!) all the time now. What a little cutie! His eyes are still very blue...emphasized I'm sure by the blue shirt. I hope he keeps them!

Frankenmuth

While we were in Michigan we wanted to go to the location of our first date almost 7 years ago...Frankenmuth. We were going to take little man but decided that Grandma might like some time with him so we had so we went child-free. We ate lunch at the Bavarian Inn. Instead of getting the usual chicken dinner we each got a dinner with 3 different main courses..one of which was their famous chicken. We still got the whole spread of noodles, cranberry dressing, dressing, coleslaw, cucumber salad, bread...etc. Of course we had the orange sherbert for dessert. It was very yummy. We had to reminisce by getting our pictures taken on the bear chair and by going into the general store for some candy. We saw a onesie that we should have bought Elijah. It said "Poop on Ohio State". I thought it was funny anyway. It was nice to get away and have couple time but I have to admit that I still missed having my little guy. I was getting a little emotional and decided it was time to go back. We needed to get to the rehearsal for Sarah's wedding anyway. I know that Elijah was well taken care of but I just felt so far away from him. I could feel the fact of me going back to work looming over me as well. I wish I could have relaxed a little more. Jake was really looking forward to the time we spent together. All in all we did have fun and enjoyed ourselves.

Sarah's Wedding

One of the main reasons that we went to Michigan when we did was because Jake's cousin, Sarah was getting married. Eric is a great guy and fits into the family nicely. We're all crazy so that's pretty important. The wedding was beautiful and everything fell into place nicely. I know a lot of hard work went into it but it was well worth it! Congratulations Eric and Sarah! Keep the Lord first in your life and allow Him to work in your marriage. That first year can be rough. It's hard to learn to live with someone. You each have your own quirks that drive the other crazy!

Meeting Aunts, Uncles and Cousins

We were able to meet with many (not all) of Jake's family because his cousin Sarah got married last Friday. It was so nice to see everyone. Of course everyone wanted to see the baby...and maybe us too...but mostly the baby! It always amazes me how young kids seem drawn to little babies. They're so sweet with them too. They touch them so soft and gentle. It's really nice to watch them together. Here are a few pictures of the cousins. Of course it was hard to get the 4 littlest ones to pose for a photo together but I still love the picture even though it's not perfect. Hayden and Elijah are the loungin' boys and Selah's doing her own thing and Elianna's got the baby because she's the big girl. What cuties! The other picture is of Leighanne and Elijah. I can't get over how grown up she is getting. She's so good with all the little kids and has blossomed so much in the 7 years that I've known her.

My Grandma and Grandpa Are Gonna Miss Me

We had a really good time visiting with my family. We were able to see both my Mom and Dad's side of the family with the exception of newlyweds Mike and Heather (bummer). Elijah loved to play with Grandma and Grandpa and Heather and Bryan. He really got to chuckling for Bryan. Everyone enjoyed all his little noises and watching him get excited and "dance". Both Grandma and Grandpa were able to give him a bath and snuggle with him. Jake was able to come in on Wednesday morning. He thought he looked different in the week that he hadn't seen him. I didn't think so but we figured out that his hair is starting to grow in more. I'm sure he is a little bigger too. He also is becoming more and more alert and really enjoys interacting and playing now. The pictures posted are of Heather, Bryan and I at Cook's Farm Dairy and of Elijah talking with Grandma.

My Grandma Thinks I'm So Cute

Grandma is just so happy to have Elijah around. She helped give him a bath and put lotion on him the other day. He had to show off his cute Tigger robe with cute little matching slippers. Of course he looked SO adorable! She loves to hear his little grunts and coos and commented that when she went to the store without us she missed his little sounds. She loves to hold and cuddle him. Everyone here loves to play with him too. He likes to lay on the floor and kick his feet when they all talk to him and play with his stuffed Tigger or get his little belly or tootsies. It's funny how much a baby giggle can make you feel so good inside.
Tonight we went to Cook's Dairy Farm to get some ice cream. They have so many different flavors from when I was a teenager working there. My Mom and I both got coconut almond fudge. Yummy! Too bad you can't ship ice cream to Arizona! We showed Elijah the cows and pigs. Of course it was a little smelly. It's funny that I only noticed it on rainy days when I worked there. It smells stinky to me now.
Anyway...I better get off to sleep and enjoy the time that I have in sweet slumber!

Another Long Day

Today we had another long day. Elijah and I went to church in the morning. Everyone agreed that he is a very sweet baby and that he looks like Jake. Afterwards I ran by the French Laundry to buy some bread and a real cream soda. One thing that I really miss about living in Fenton is that it is such a nice little town. There is the "big town" necessities like Walmart but they have such a cute little downtown with little shops as well as the French Laundry which sells all sorts of different kinds of breads, cheeses, spreads, drinks and sandwiches. They have real cream sodas...like the kind that you actually mix together. They are very yummy and are the only place that I've ever found makes them. Anyway. In the afternoon my family left to spend time with my Mom's side of the family in my cousins Ken and Shannon's gorgeous home. It was nice to see everyone. When you live so far away you mostly get to see pictures so it's nice to catch up on how things are going. We did get some pictures but it's getting late and I wanted to post something before bed. I want to take advantage of all the sleep I can get. Last night I was surprised to find Elijah slept 8 1/2 hrs. Yeah! I posted a picture of him sleeping in the Pack n Play. You'll notice he's in a sleeveless outfit. This was taken a couple days ago. Today it was 65 degrees out. I couldn't believe it. It was freezing. I was glad I brought blankets for him! I didn't bring warm clothes. It's summer! I figured it would be muggy and hot and my parents don't have A/C. It's supposed to be 85 tomorrow. I hope so!
If you're reading this Jake/Daddy- We miss you bunches!

Meeting Great Grandpa

Last night we met up with my Dad's side of the family at Applebees.
This is the first great-grandchild for my Grandpa. He also has a grandchild that is 2 months older than Elijah! Here are some pictures that we got.

I can't believe I forgot the card reader!

I had all intentions of posting pictures while we were here in MI but I forgot the card reader! With all the things to pack it just slipped my mind! Sorry Daddy and Ga Ga!

We have arrived here without a hitch. I think Jake was a little surprised at all the gear we were taking but when you need to take the carseat, diaper bag, breast pump and a suitcase ya gotta bring the stroller too...and have someone to help you get the suitcase to the check-in. It helped that I had a nice comfy Moby wrap for Elijah (thanks Julia!) so he felt nice and calm next to his Mommy. He just loved looking at all the lights in the airport! Because we had such a late flight getting through security was a breeze. The only thing that I was a little surprised at was that I had to take him out of his Moby for the take off and landing b/c it's not FAA approved. You mean to tell me he's better off with me holding him with just my arms as opposed to my arms AND the Moby. Whatever. He did great and only stirred a few times. He ended up waking up to nurse just in time for the decent and we were all done and situated by the time we needed to get off the plane.

Of course Grandma and Grandpa have been tickled to have him here. My Mom didn't get a winks sleep b/c of how excited she was. Dad said she was like a kid going to Disney World. Well of course when you get to meet a sweetie pie like Elijah! Even Uncle Bryan held him. Poor Heather is a little under the weather so she's waiting until she feels a little better. Grandma was happy to hear that yes, he does sound the same in person as he does on the phone. She was a little disappointed that he smiled at Grandpa first but he's given her some pretty good grins too.

Well, I better get going. Elijah is stirring from his nap.

Our New Game

Okay, so maybe it's not so much of a game...but it could be if you wanted it to be I guess. Elijah has decided he likes to suck his thumb and fingers so we have been having to listen for a nice little smacking sound when he is sleeping. We then have to move his little thumb from his mouth and put his pacifier in its place. It happens most right before he falls in a deep sleep at night and pretty much throughout his entire nap times. I guess he's not really in a deep sleep for those. Of course he looks so cute when he has his little thumb but we don't want a thumb sucker! I suppose my Dad is right about the fact that they don't graduate school sucking their thumb but I just think about the sanitary issues and tooth formation. All this from someone who tells moms that it's soothing to babies to have their hands by their face and sucking on them. I'm such a hypocrite.

This morning Elijah was pretty fussy. I felt bad for him b/c he kept sneezing and coughing. I had to suck his poor little nose out..which he of course HATES! He ended up just wanting to go to sleep. I tried putting him on his tummy for tummy time but he wanted none of that. I don't know how he's ever going to learn to roll over b/c he never wants to go on his tummy unless it's too sleep (okay, again I'm a hypocrite but I ONLY do this when he naps and I'm in the room watching him.) He ended up spending some time in the snugli napping as well. It gave me some time to pack some things for our trip. I hope that by the time I go back to work he can get back on a schedule. Since he's been under the weather he's been sleeping a lot during the day. He is still sleeping about 7-8 hours at night. I know he'll get goofed up with the time change. I have 4 days when we get back to try to get him back to what he was doing last week. I had hoped he would be sleeping 9-10 hours by then...we shall see...he's got 2 1/2 weeks!

I had some pictures but something is wrong with the site and it won't let me put them on.

Praise the Lord!

I know it's not a good picture...I know it doesn't match the dryer...I know it's low and I've been spoiled by the pedestal...but I don't care..I LOVE MY WASHER! Why? Because it works and it's in MY house! And I can do laundry whenever I need to without hauling it to Mom's. And it has some really cool features that my other one didn't...not that it matters b/c I would have GLADLY kept my old one...if it worked. The Best Buy guys were surprised they were hauling away a seemingly brand new machine...Did you get the service plan they inquired. NO, but we did THIS TIME! Surprisingly the washer was a lot cheaper than when we purchased the old one. Thank God! And just in time to get the laundry done to pack for my trip to Michigan with Elijah!

On a somewhat side note...it was so nice to go to Mom and Dad's after church and be able to relax instead of running around answering the buzz of the washing machine!

Poor Little Elijah

My poor little guy just did not feel good all yesterday. He was all gassy and had a big, bloated belly. He just couldn't get comfy and was gagging and attempting to spit up. I felt terrible b/c I had to leave him with Daddy so that I could get my hair cut. I had to call to check up on how he was doing. I think Jake felt maybe I thought that he was incompetent...I just felt bad b/c when I left he was crying and didn't feel well. Jake does a good job taking care of him though. It's nice to know that he feels just as responsible for taking care of Elijah as I do. He keeps telling me to let him do things for Elijah because he is his son too. Isn't that sweet? I'm glad Elijah has a Daddy that loves him so much. Anyway. Poor guy only got rest when we were holding him upright and snuggled right next to us. Thankfully he is a little better today. Still a little gassy but not as uncomfortable.

On another happy note I am feeling much better as well. Those disposable heating pads that you get for your back or shoulder worked great at getting rid of the plugged duct. Thank God. That was uncomfortable. Reading online I found that they can last for a couple days. Yuck.

If anyone out there needs a car seat check out Target. I found a Britax (rear and forward facing) normally $270 for $135. I was going to get it for our other car...I actually paid for it and got it to the car only to find it wouldn't fit the car while is was in the box....when I took it out...it was pink. Needless to say it got returned. To bad they didn't have any other colors. They also had the Britax baby carrier car seat regularly $200 for $100. That's a good deal if you ask me!

Well I best be going. I just wanted to post while I had some time. Elijah has on a cute little sailor outfit today...hopefully I can get a picture to post.

2 Months

A little late posting but Elijah was 2 months on Wednesday. Where does the time go? We went to the Dr and found that he's an elephant (just kidding). He's 14# and 24 1/2 inches. He's in the 90th percentile. Surprise! I don't know what it is that's making him such a big guy! I guess milk does a body good! He's sleeping 6-8 hours at night. He'll sleep 8 if I feed him an 8 oz bottle. Otherwise if he nurses it's just 6 hours. I'll be getting up a lot tonight though because I have the dreaded clogged milk duct. Can we say OUCH!!!!!!!!???? Warm compresses are not helpful...they don't work! Compresses, frequent nursing, rest and time they say. TIME?? How about gone now! Augh!
Anyway. I guess I better get to bed.
Until the next post!