My little man is just so serious. Don't get me wrong, he smiles and gives us laughs that come straight from his toes but I frequently find an inquisitive look on his face. I often wonder if he can sense my sadness and clings to me knowing that he is a source of comfort. These past few days have been somewhat of a nightmare for me. I almost hesitate to say that because I am afraid of how everyone will take it but that's the only way that I can explain my feelings. On Thursday night I had to work and had a kiddo that was extremely sick and ended up passing away on Friday. It wasn't hard work physically...pretty much we were just providing comfort care. Emotionally it was a little different. I felt very detached. A coping mechanism I'm sure. It was just something that I could not bear to handle at this time. I didn't get anything ready for his passing...no blanket and outfit...no pictures. I was utterly useless in this aspect and feel like I was a little lazy. Emotionally I felt like a dark cloud filled with rain just waiting to downpour...much like it actually did that night outside. Jake had called me because Elijah was beside himself and wouldn't stop crying unless Jake stood with him and bounced him up and down. Of course Jake was exhausted because he had worked that day and needed to go to work on Friday too. It made me feel terrible because there was nothing I could do. I don't understand why he won't go to sleep for Jake the way he will for me. Jake didn't get to sleep until about 1am and then he didn't sleep well because he felt he would awake again at any moment. I worried about them all night long. I felt myself completely detaching myself from my work. I did what was necessary to take care of my patient but I would often find myself spacing out. It was probably a good thing that I ended up being canceled on Friday because they had too many people working. I am not sure how I would have felt. I ended up going with our youth group to Amazing Jake's to eat and play putt-putt. It was a good time for the teens. I wish I could say that I had an "Amazing" time but I found myself staring at other people's babies and longing for mine to be with us (we left him with Jake's mom). I just felt really weird and out of place. At one point I stopped and felt like I was in some kind of movie where you're the only person that's stopped in slow motion and everyone whirls around you and you suddenly realize "what's wrong with this picture?" What's wrong with my life? Why can't I be happy? My mood is effecting Jake and that bothers me. He feels like he's to blame and that's just not the case. I know when I was pregnant I went through phases where I just wanted my old body back. Now I've got it (for the most part) and I would give anything to spring out of the crazy mind that came with it. I thought all of these feelings were going away and now they seem like they are coming back ten fold. It's really hard for me to deal with everything right now. I feel bad because everyone has been so supportive of me. They all want to help but just don't know how. The sad part is I don't know either. All I can say is keep me in your prayers and don't have high expectations of me. I've long ago realized that my focus is so narrow that it's either a clean house or food on the table...and sometimes it's not very good food at that. I think work has pushed me over the edge and I'm now an exhausted basket case. I know there has to be light at the end of the tunnel but the question now is how long is the tunnel?
5 comments:
I wish there were words that I can say to you that would comfort and help, but I understand that there might not be any. Keep your head up! Things will get better...there is an end to that tunnel! You have a beautiful baby boy! We can't wait to meet him some day! Thinking of you- Mae
Well I'm definitely praying for you like crazy! I'm worried sick about you.
Just remember that if anything sounds good... getting out, just talking to a friend, someone bringing you dinner...anything! You call me and let me bless you a little bit!
You have really been on my heart lately, and I have been praying for you a lot. After reading this post, I can see why! Easier said than done, but try not to blame yourself for this right now. It is your body misfiring, not your personal weakness. Follow the Lord's leading and He will tell you which path of healing to follow. Also, be sure to tell your family not to personalize what you're going through. No matter what you say or do, this is not "you," so they shouldn't take it personally. (Again, easier said than done!!!!) I have seen several friends and family suffer through this, and it is heart-wrenching, but temporary!!!! There is help out there - do what you need to do to get it!
We love you, girlie! Psalm 50:15
You are not a crazy person. What you are going through is normal, many people go through this. I hope this comes out encouraging and not discouraging, but the way I see it is that God intended for the women to bare children and to be their primary caregiver, he did not intend for the women to work outside of the home so what you are feeling is normal because God equipped you to be the primary caregiver. But sometimes it is not possible for the women to be able to stay home. Take it one day at a time and ask God to give you guidance and clear direction. He is faithful to answer your prayers. I will continue to pray for you, Jake and Elijah.
Love,
Aunt Con
I can honestly say I can relate to how you are feeling. The day I flew home from your wedding (when Isaac was almost 3 months old) I had a doctor's appointment and went into his office in tears. I was so distraught and literally felt as though I was "losing it" he tried to put me on depression meds but I decided to try to weather though it without the meds. (given my family history -you know about grandma Baldwin) It was one of the hardest times in my life and I felt as though I were completely alone and as though no one understood this war that was raging in my mind and this intensity of emotion that I had no control of. For everyone it is different. I never had the thoughts of hurting my children (some people experiencing PPD do) I had horrible thoughts/fears of dropping them and the thoughts were in the most graphic detail (not typical for me) this caused me to become overly protective of the baby even to the point that I was keeping the baby from Phil. It was horrible. My point in saying all of that isn't to make you feel bad or recant all of these horrible things back into thought. I just can honestly relate to what you are experiencing on so many levels. Prayer does help and so does reading Psalms of encouragement and playing uplifting music. Try to steer away from things that will invoke sad emotions (like emotional music that makes you feel like crying) keep things around that are upbeat, funny and positive even if you don't feel like it it will help the process along. It is just something that is going to have to wear off. I am sure that being a nurse you know about the physical things your body goes through after having a baby. Experts say it can take up to two years for things in your body to return to pre-pregnancy state. Give it time. One day you will just realize hey, those feelings are finally gone. There are many hormones associated with nursing and the weaning process can also create very similar PPD feelings as well. Just try to remind yourself that this is normal and you are not crazy and you will be just fine. Just keep positive. This too shall pass. HUGS! JEss
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