My Heartache

I don't think that there has ever been a time where I haven't had the desire to be a mother. Ever since my first hand-me-down dolly I have desired to play the part of "little Mommy". I L-O-V-E-D to play house and always looked forward to the day I would have my own children. In fact my initial goal of becoming a pediatrician was easily changed when a conversation with my female primary care physician swayed me from the profession because it was so very hard to hard to have a "normal" family life with children. I then turned my eyes to nursing where I could still help people that were "sick" but in a slightly different way. At the time I never dreamed I would become involved in the NICU working with patients that sometimes weigh less than a sack of Big Macs. Oddly enough, the very first baby doll I remember receiving as a gift was a "preemie" Cabbage Patch Kid. Ironic, huh? Nursing has become a large part of my life. When I first started working in the NICU 10 years ago a nurse told me I would never be able to work somewhere else again. She was right...partially. While I haven't actually worked elsewhere, the only other potential areas of interest all involve the babies...labor & delivery and postpartum. Now, however, when I think of myself I don't really care to view myself as a nurse anymore. I have such a strong desire to be at home with my family that I sometimes wish I had never went to school to become a nurse in the first place. My desire goes back to when I was a child, pretending to go grocery shopping, making dinner, and caring for my "lil babies". I want to be the little domestic wife making homemade bread, using cloth diapers, and planning a slew of educational and fun activities for my boys. I see how fast my boys are growing and am sooo sad that I cannot be home to witness all of their new milestones. When I'm at work I miss hearing Jake and Elijah play cars on the floor and hearing Noah and Jonah's constant baby babbles and bubble blowing. Evening is often a difficult time as the little boys tend to be fussy and need a lot of care and Elijah wants someone's undivided attention. Our days are so jam packed from going from one baby to the other and then the toddler and the laundry and the dishes that often Jake and I just sit on the couch staring at the television after hours of who-knows-what just happened because I think quite frankly we otherwise may go insane. It is hard to find time for the two of us together...and then subtract three days. Three days that I am gone for 12 hrs not including drive time and having to sleep at off times of the day. Add to this the stress of the job itself...augh! I actually just stepped down from team leading. Too much stress in my life! I want tto just go to work and tke care of my own assignment and not always have to deal with problems. If only I could be a SAHM!