2 Months Old!

Time flies when you are in the feed, burp, play, put to bed, feed the big brother, play with big brother, put big brother to nap, wash dishes, do laundry, feed, burp play, put to bed...etc...etc..mode. Jonah and Noah are TWO MONTHS OLD TODAY! Wow! And to celebrate...Jonah smiled...at me...at Jake...not gas...not sleeping...real smiles :) It made me feel better. I wasn't having such a good day yesterday. I haven't been having good days lately. I think everything has been snowballing and everything is catching up with me. I feel like I am in zombie/autopilot mode. I get up with the boys and before I know it I am still in my pajamas finishing MY breakfast when I realize it's 11:30 and almost time to start over with lunch. Before the twins I would do roughly 3-4 loads of laundry a week. Lights. Darks. Sheets/towels. Rags. Now? 1-2 loads A DAY! And then you have to find time to fold it..and don't even bring up ironing....we don't do that around here anymore. Dishes...you know, they pile up like crazy but then add to that nipples and pump parts...it's insane! Praise the Lord we use Playtex drop-ins to decrease on some washing. I just feel like I want to live somewhere else. Somewhere that is clean. Somewhere that I don't have constant crying or whining. Somewhere that I don't constantly smell like au de vomit. Somewhere where I could fit clothes that make me feel good about myself. Don't get me wrong. I love my boys to death. I just am having a little trouble adjusting. I have found myself to be quite opposite from the last time I was going through the postpartum stage. I am not crying all the time, sitting on the couch watching "A Baby Story" holding MY baby. I don't have time for that. Instead I find myself constantly frustrated. Frustrated in how time flies by and yet I get so little accomplished. Frustrated in trying to keep Elijah 1) occupied 2) fed 3) feeling loved 4) disciplined which is quite the obstacle right now. Frustrated in how fast 3 hour feedings come. Frustrated in how I feel about myself. Frustrated in having time for not only myself but Jake and I. To be honest, I'm frustrated with a lot. I find my fuse to be much shorter than normal and have to really watch myself so that I don't take it out on Elijah and yell at him unneccessarily. One thing he does is CONSTANTLY take things and put them where they don't belong. It is very easy to yell at him for moving something when I can't find it instead of realize that I was the one that misplaced it. I am still trying to find a balance in caring for the twins, giving Elijah the attention he needs and caring for the house/making dinner all while now working. Jake helps A LOT! He comes home and pretty much takes over caring for them all so I can either go to work or finish dinner, clean up and try to get the last of the laundry done. He is SUCH a good Dad. Everyone says it gets easier. I hope so. I feel bad letting Jonah and Noah just sit in their bouncy chairs or on their playmat much of the day. I just don't have time to interact with them the way that I did with Elijah. I guess that's what comes with having twins and a two year old. I sometimes just feel like such a failure as a mom. I want to be a good mommy. When I was driving to Jake's Mom's house to drop Elijah and Noah off so I could take Jonah to his hearing screen Elijah said "Mama, no weave (leave) me. You weave me too much." I felt terrible. What do you say to that? I can't blame him. He must feel like I leave him a lot. He just wants me to be his playmate 24/7. Oh, if only I could buddy...if only I could...