Love My Family

Today has not been the greatest of days. I wish that I could say after six months I am finally back to my self but I can't. I still have so much trouble focusing on things. I sometimes feel that the only time I am truly focused is at work and I'm sure that is out of necessity. Today I had a long list of things to do but they were pushed by the wayside. I'd like to say that happened b/c I had something important to do...not really. Maybe...See I've always had this thing when I'm feeling down I make my Grandma's oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. They always make me feel better. My mom always had them on the first day of school. Change has always been hard for me and being the great mom that she is she anticipated my need for a little something special. I am so thankful for her! We are planning to put the tree and lights up today. You'd think I'd be looking forward to that and could get some things done...but not really. I wish I knew exactly how to pinpoint the way that I feel..but I can't. And I think that is really hard for some people...including myself...to understand. I guess all that I can say is that I look forward to the day that I can make a list, stick to it, get everything done and not feel like I'm going to have a breakdown and rush to the nearest exit (meaning my car and wherever it takes me...generally Target) or to bed with the baby wishing I could just sleep reality away. I feel pathetic..like a failure...but I know I am doing all that I can and Elijah's being well cared for. He doesn't care that there is a pile of ironing or that the floors need to be washed (at least until he starts crawling). He just wants his Momma to hold him tight and love on him. That, I can do.