Sometimes

Sometimes it is just really hard to deal with things. I am on my lunch break. And I just have to get some things out. Do some sharing. I have so many thoughts in my head and feel like I haven't had a time to get them out. Looking back, I can't believe I haven't blogged since November. I guess that's because I started back to work. And now I feel like I really haven't had time for myself, especially since I have been doing all the Christmas shopping and making of things for everyone. Maybe one day I will have some time to do some posts for December. Anyway.

I have to juggle working and pumping and spending time with my husband and kids. I have to battle sleep deprivation. Exhaustion has overcome me. And I hurt. All over. All the time. The depression is making me feel as though I am sinking into quick sand. I live in a house of four little boys. And our toilet is broken. And has been since I "think" May. It can be force flushed with buckets of water causing our bathroom to either smell like an outhouse or the floor to be covered in water. I am drowning.  I miss my family. I am anxious. I am disappointed that I didn't get a job position that would have been a promotion and maybe give me something to look forward to. I feel like I am going backwards. Today I had trouble getting out of bed. I tried. I got out several times. And went back several times. My kids were so great about it. They mostly played with their new toys. They were fed. Oliver I think may be getting a cold. He was very stuffy and just wanted to be held and nursed. I just held him in bed. He makes me feel better. The little things added up today. My lips are chapped and sore. My feet hurt. My eyes are swollen. I can't stop yawning. Oliver has ingrown toenails so his big toes are swollen. They are getting better with some breast milk lotion I made with lavender oil and coconut oil. But I still feel bad for him. I couldn't bring myself to make dinner tonight so we got Chic-fil-a. And they forgot my waffle fries. I didn't have time to go back to get them. In running around for work I poured my breast milk into bottles only to spill it everywhere. I have a lot of milk in the freezer so it really shouldn't matter.  But somehow it does. To top everything off, I went to get my lunch and someone drank my Coke. Now, I realize you shouldn't cry over spilled milk, but honestly. Give a girl a break. All I wanted was my Coke at 4 am to get me through the rest of the shift. So thank you to whoever deprived me of this. Just another downer of the day.