After I had the twins and came back to work, a lot of people asked me if I was done having kids. I think they expected me to say absolutely. But at the time I didn't say yes. I said I could see myself having one more. They thought I was crazy. At the time my reasoning was because I didn't get to enjoy the pregnancy the way that I did with Elijah and I didn't get the snuggle time either. That one on one baby bonding where you actually take the time to smell the baby's hair and feel how soft their skin is. Then time went on and I was exhausted and depressed and Jake and I realized another baby would probably be a bad idea. He got his procedure done. I mourned that we would no longer have kids...secretly hoping that maybe we would be the 1 in 4,000 that the procedure failed in. Then time went on. My kids got older and more self sufficient. Things were easier. They were fun. It didn't take forever to get out of the car. I started thinking about going back to school. And then it happened. My wish that I had made so long ago came true. It was devastating to me. It through me into a deep depression. I thought horrible things. Maybe the pregnancy wouldn't progress. I was so incredibly sick though and figured my pregnancy hormones must be pretty strong. Then I thought maybe we should adopt the baby out. Who thinks things like this? It made me feel like a terrible person...a horrible mom...and it didn't fade for a long time. I cried when I heard the heart beat. Online friends from message boards told me it would pass. It didn't for a very long time. It made me incredibly worried that I wouldn't bond with my baby. When I found out that we were having a boy my heart dropped even more, thinking maybe this pregnancy was the girl I always wanted. Jake was excited. I didn't have that. I kept thinking this was just a horrible nightmare, especially once I started having all the continuous contractions. For months I wondered why was I forced to go through this. Why couldn't I at least have a pregnancy like I had with Elijah. I didn't expect a singleton to treat me worse than the twin pregnancy did. I worked up until I delivered this time. All night long I felt tortured and worried that I wouldn't even be comforted by the prize at the end. After all, the twins were not the best babies. What if we had to do that all over again. The constant screaming and crying. The nonstop spitting up. I was so incredibly worried. I even decided I didn't want him to be put onto my chest after delivery. My nurse Cinnamon told me to just wait and see. Then I was surprised. I had an amazing birth story. I felt joy and was so happy to finally see my little Oliver. Since his birth I can't say that I haven't been depressed. In fact, I have had to increase my medication because I was having increasing suicidal thoughts. But it wasn't because of him. It wasn't my little Oliver's fault, but the raging hormones that apparently my body and mind do not like. Instead of not bonding with him, I found myself incredibly close to him. I find myself picking him up when he's sleeping to comfort myself. I rock him and sing to him and love feeling his body next to mine. I look at Jake and feel amazing love knowing that we created an incredible gift. God gave him to us so that we would have a baby that we could hold on to. That we could cherish as "our last baby". We are able to inhale his scent and caress his soft skin and try to hold on to it a little longer. We won't be wishing he could do things for himself as fast as he possibly can. This is our chance to take things a little slower and enjoy all of the stages of our kids lives. I am so glad that we have been blessed with that opportunity again.
Noah loves his little brother.
Savoring the last week of maternity leave and snuggling my baby (babies?). I probably should have been doing something else...but it's ok. I like snuggling better.
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